Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Day 40 of My Juice Feast............................
I love doors. They are a gateway to a greater path. I feel I should say something very wise and awe-inspiring. It's day 40 after all! I think I'll talk about success, growth, being human, and emotions as they apply to me.
Do I feel I have been successful thus far? Yep. How did I come to be successful? I didn't have a choice. I don't have a choice. I have intended to JF before and made it a day, or 3, or 7. That was great and I was good with doing that. I didn't feel like a failure at all. It was a celebration of an experience. This time is different. My life is in danger so I decided to juice. And juice I will...and I'm grateful for it. There is no self-pity of missing out on food which has been the case with my illness over the years. There is gratitude for comsumption, for healing, and for wellness.
Have I been perfect? Nope. There have been things I have dipped my fingers in. Like having to attend a luncheon at BBQ joint and ordering tea or water and drooling from the smell. So I put a dab of bbq sauce on my hubby's plate and dipped and licked my finger....several times.. and I love it. What did it teach me? It taught me to emulate. I want bbq sauce. I'm juicing. So I made bbq sauce juice and it's become my staple. The raw food I miss the most is my Red Pepper Bisque soup. So I made one out of juice and I warm it very slightly and put it in a bowl and eat it with a spoon when guests are over for dinner. I had an amazing juice at the raw food cafe, so I went home and made it. It's awesome!
I have grown and learned to make better choices and have learned some of the "whys". Why is oil important on a juice feast? Well I can only speak for my stomach, but early on I wasn't including a tablespoon of oil a day. What was my reaction? Gut wrenching burning pain in my stomach. Not the intenstines.. my stomach. Like an ulcer pain. Before I bought some coconut oil (and there are others I have yet to try), I would lie in pain trying to sleep and be drawn to the only source of acceptable fat in the house. Nut butter. Just enough to take the edge off the burn. I instinctively knew the fat would fix it, and it did. Now I take my tablespoon of coconut oil and put it in an evening juice.
I have learned not to miss an enema. Even this far into the feast if I miss a morning I will bloat and feel unwell. Toxic. If time doesn't allow and I have to choose between making a morning juice and taking an enema. The enema wins. I can always have a tea or water or lemon water until noon and hit the Raw Cafe by my work if I have to and juice in the evening at home. Gratitude for the cafe...immense gratitude.
I don't have much to say on detox. I've been pretty lucky there. Recently I have some surface bumps like a rash all over coming out on my face, neck and chest. Not ugly, but annoying.
Emotions...they are all over the place. They are on the surface and buried deep. I have lots of layers. I feel like phylo dough and the layers are starting to peel. I'm just scratching the surface on this one. I've had more years of therapy than I care to count. Yet I have not learned to love myself. Not truly, deeply, and meaningfully. There are things I love ABOUT myself. I'm a great person and fun and compassionate.....to OTHERS. I still yearn for acceptance from others because I have not yet accepted myself unconditionally. I need to know that to ME I am good enough, smart enough, sexy enough, confident enough. True freedom will come when I don't have to look outside myself for these things.
Healing... I have healed a lot already. A juice feast is a wonderful thing.
Living in the present moment... this deserves a post all it's own. I have memory problems from years of uncontrolled hypothyroidism and Cushing's. I have lost dear friends over the inability to remember. It's not that "if she really cared, she'd remember"... it's that I may have no memory of making plans, speaking to someone or remembering what someone said, even when listening intently. There's are entire sections of my life that are very sketchy or that I have no memory of. I wish this to heal and I feel it will. When I make new friends I have to explain my memory "issues" so they know up front what they are dealing with. I'm sure it's hurtful at times.
One last thing........I'm addicted to trying to help others and to learn all I can. That means I'm spending more time on the computer and less time living outside the box. I have to find balance there.